fear of the erotic

Most people I know fear the deep er0tic.

And yet almost all long for its nourishment.

By deep er0tic, I mean being fully open and present to the breadth and nuance of sensation in 'intimacy' (and life), moment by moment without goals, connected to the unfolding mystery and surrendered to where it may take us.

We fear this experience, because to enter it we have to give up all the machinations we use to hide ourselves in intimacy. And ironically, in the process, hide deep intimacy from ourselves.

I see this fear in men, who use speed and pressure to produce “results”. Mostly going hard and fast because it’s the only way they’ve learned to create sensation.

I see this fear in women, who contort the expression of their pleasure to match the expectations of their partner. Who fake climax, or smile and say “that was great” when really the experience only scratched the surface.

Fear keeps us on the surface, in these formulas and quick fixes. And when we stay too long on the surface of things, they eventually run dry - in this case, literally dry. No wonder so many spiritual practitioners I know discount the er0tic, and so many women I’ve met have lost interest in six. There’s no touching the deeper thing.

To get to the deeper thing, we have to slow down. And slowing down is confronting, especially if you have a highly activated nervous system. In slowing down, we meet all the fear, doubt and shame we’ve been trying to outrun.

”Am I doing something wrong? What if i lose my erect ion?”, ask men. “Is there something wrong with me? Will they lose interest?”, ask women.

The practice is to stay with the tension of these uncertain moments, to be with the raw vulnerability (and possibly even boredom) of not knowing. We’re asked to give up the performance, do less rather than more, and actually feel.

You can start slowly, even in this moment, stopping and tuning into the present sensation of the air against your skin, or your hand on your face. What happens when you slow down to feel?

When we’re willing to slow down, we gain access to a more nuanced and hydrating world of sensation. It’s like dropping beneath the surface waves of the ocean, to the rich complexity of its depths. That is where the deep er0tic abides. It may look dark at first, but with courage and curiosity, you’ll be awed by what you discover that you didn’t know existed before.